How to sparkle

Still working on Maya and Anael's dynamic...also, had a conversation with Lynn (beloved aunt and a practicing therapist in NYC) and she gave me a lot of conventional parenting advice...she was never a parent, but is a couples therapist, and tends to be pretty in tune...anyway, the advice was totally not applicable to our family, but I had an interesting dialogue with her as a result of the advice, and her referring to it as "real world" advice...

The thing about RU (Radical Unschooling or Natural Learning) type parenting (which we follow some of, but not all of) is that the idea is not how to correct and change the child’s personality or behavior, or punish them and teach them that certain feelings and emotions are not acceptable…but to give them the space and meet their emotional needs in a way that they can then self correct…a MUCH LONGER TERM process, but I think in the end much more internally motivated and rewarding, both to the individuals and the relationship.

Also, a focus on not what we want to be age appropriate, but what each individual is capable of at their age in their specific situation…these ARE real life lessons, if you are NOT in school, but in the loving care of parents/ family where you do have more freedom to know yourself and experiment with emotion…however, this will not apply to a schooled child, bcause their “real world” will not give them the time or space for the process to develop….it implies that our world is not real…and that children’s experiences NOW, in their real world, are not valid/ legitimate. I think it prepares a child to accept the status quo, rather than to actively attempt to shape the world around them…those are the first thoughts that come to mind. Also, the world at large, will give them enough “consequences”

I realize I cannot shield or control Maya's interactions with other children, relatives, employers, friends…but in my house she will know that if she mess up, can’t control her emotions, gets angry, gets excited…. whatever…. her experience will be met with love…and acceptance, and sometimes disappointment is she has done something disappointing to me…but that she will make her choices depending on the internal guidance that she has developed, not based on some external threat. That’s my desire in any case.

Also, there is a huge difference between not knowing how to say no to your child and what we are attempting to do…when Maya is “in trouble” or needs to be removed from a situation one of us goes with her…she is not rejected (by us) but sat with until she is able to handle the situation….but she knows it is not where she wants to be….it is a “punishment” for her…just like time out might be for another. We do set limits…but they are the “big ones” and we do try to meet the need behind the desire….

Yes…you can hit something if you’re mad….here’s a piece of wood, go hit the ground…not your friend.

Yes you can play with your food….inn the chicken yard so that they can eat it after your done.

There is always a yes somewhere in there if we can find it…

I think sometimes people confuse over permissiveness with RU...but what they are seeing in the inability to say no or disappoint their child is basically negligent parenting, not thoughtful construction of environment and relationship.

Also, we’ve been talking a lot with Maya about how beauty (something she relates to) is not only how you look, but how you act, and that being kind to others makes you beautiful and sparkly (another concept she loves) so when a fight is starting I’m saying “sparkly” and she’s starting to catch herself…my girl really likes the idea of being sparkly! Also about how she is the big girl so she has to walk away from the baby (Anael) when a fight starts…even if the baby “started it”….slowly….